ups and downs....

It has been a week of up and downs...Faith had a great week of almost "too good" of a mood...now it is ups and downs of feeling euphoric and then really bad. It is absolutely exhausting on Renae because all she wants is someone to help her...or more or less be there with her why she is hurting so bad. We were talking with the doctor and there is no doubt in his mind, as in ours, that there is some type of atypical mood disorder going on in her brain that she is not able to communicate to us, nor is she able to transition in and out of it at all. Not to mention a lot of the things that go on verbally and physically are "learned" behaviors or behaviors that get the type of responses she needs from her body and from us. However it is tough to work on correcting the behaviors and feelings if we cannot find out exactly what is hurting her nor are we able to find a combination of medicine and behavior therapy to help with it. We are going to the bank to draw a personal loan to pay for the service dog. I have decided to use the titles on the cars for collateral until we can work on fundraising to pay for the dog. My window of opportunity is closing faster than I realized it would. The only time I will be able to go to California with Faith to train and get certified with her dog is July of this year or December. I will be leaving early next year for another deployment and I want to be here the initial training and the weekly follow up training for both her and the dog. Me being gone is hard enough on Renae I want the dog and Faith to be working great as a team before I leave. Little Angels Service Dogs is a non profit organization so my loan check will go to them. As I raise donations then Little Angels will send checks to payoff the loan so that when it is all said and done the dog will be given to Faith at no or little expense to us. I wonder if I don't make the payment would the dog get repossessed? Hahaha I am not worried about it. I would sell everything I owned to help my daughter, what is money if I don't have it anyway or your kid is not healthy to enjoy what it can provide. I will do anything to help her with this hidden disability and I personally think that once we have the dog and people see how it works it will be easier to get donations. Have a great weekend!!! kris

Equine Assisted Transitions...

Yesterday was the second weekend that Tess, Faith and I volunteered for Equine Assisted Transitions. This is a wonderful program for the children, families and soldiers in our community ran at the barn we board our horses at. They have a web page at www.equineassistedtransitions.com that you can get more information. The girls absolutely love volunteering for this. I have mostly been amazed at Faith's excitement in it. She was up before sunrise yesterday and did not want to leave. Her passion for helping others with any sort of problem is fascinating to me. No matter how much she is hurting or not feeling good she can always muster up the strength or courage to help another child or animal. It is a tough commitment for me to promise our time for, but it is so wonderful to see my children give countless hours towards something good. Tess at 12 years of age is trusted enough to prepare all the horses and even lead people around. Faith is always wanted around because of her smile that never seems to go away. If only they see what her parents have seen. But it is so fun to watch them do something together that makes them both happy. We just have to wait for our littlest cowgirl Abbi to be old enough. So Faith is doing well. We are getting closer to the summer when we will meet our new family member. I am going next week to draw a loan for the remaining amount for the service dog. We will still be able to do some fund raising over the next 10 months before I deploy and get some of the money back. Regardless of how it works itself out we are going to get this dog for Faith. I know it will help out and I never want to look back and think that there may have been something else I could have done to help her out that I did not do. Kris

friday...

It has been a good week. Faith has felt pretty good. As with any mood disorder it can switch on a dime. Last night was a loud and angry transition into sleep. Something that is never talked about much is the toll that this hidden disease has on family members. It affects every one of us in its own way. It changes a house whether we want it to or not. It strains even the best relationship a married couple could have. It has kids fighting for attention whether we see it or not. It follows us to work, where people will never understand unless they live with it. I just sometimes lay back and think about it. I would never wish it wasn't in my life, because I could never imaging life without my daughter. I do sometimes think how all of us would be different without a mood disorder in our home. As tough as it is on us it does make us better. If not presently, for sure down the road. I know I have an appreciation for children and parents alike who have a disability in their family that I would have never had before. I also admire these brave children who never asked to be different but face reality every day with a brave determination some of us adults could only wish we had. Between personal relationships that have ended sourly, the military life, deployments, and our hidden disease I sometimes think I am at my limits. But as the paperwork shows in my military file, I have four dependents. I have to be strong and available for the other three also. I can honestly say that there is no class or course to prepare us for life and its lessons. We just somehow summons up the strength and courage to just do it. Enjoy the weekend. Love your family. And appreciate what you have. Kris

Doctor update...

Yesterday we took Faith to see a new doctor. Actually this visit was the first and last visit for us. It was actually a nurse practitioner who can write prescriptions for us until we can find a new doctor. The ironic thing is she is leaving at the end of the month also. There is such a shortage of child psychiatrist out there. One the way home Renae and I discussed how happy we are with our psychologist. It sometimes seems as if he is so against giving Faith the "Bipolar" label. This is good because there is no doubt that he is ruling out everything else that can be the cause of her issues. We are still finishing up on the IEP. He updated our EFMP (exceptional family member program) paperwork with the Army. We are getting all of our ducks in order so that Faith will qualify for ABA therapy. Someone who specializes in working with children and they will come to the home, school or wherever the child is and work on the behavioral part of mood disorders. Our doctor is a firm believer in this, which makes us feel so much better. Instead of fixing everything with just medicine, our goal is to get her stable with medicine, work on the behavioral issues, and if absolutely necessary add some medicine. It is just nice knowing this doctor will be around and working with us for years to come. Battling mood disorders is hard enough, having to deal with a lack of doctors in this area is only more stress that we do not need to deal with. But I can understand a little. Imagine having to keep all these troubled children at work and not letting their lives and troubles come home with you. Impossible I say. Kris

long week...

The last week has been a long one. Actually had a really good time in the field. Minus the last day of thunderstorms and hypothermia, it was great to getting back to shooting our howitzer. Faith on the other hand has had a terrible week. We went to the doctor once, it was great that he was finishing Renae's sentences, however we still are not able to pinpoint what is causing her this pain and misery. Pretty much every day and evening she has been suffering. I hate hearing my child crying that she cannot go on this way or please, please help me. I hope when she gets older she can look back and know that we are doing EVERYTHING in our power to help her. This is just not a big fix. Hope everyone has a great day. Kris

Sunday morning...

What a week..what a week. This next week I will be going to the field for some much needed training with my section on the Howitzer. I just have not had time to work this blog and send out the letters that I need to do. It does not seem like I will make the timeline necessary to pick this dog up this summer. It is looking like it will be December. I just only have so many hours in a day and we must have so much money down towards the dog before they do the final 60 days training towards Faith's specific needs. It is just impossible to do it all by myself. Renae is absolutely wore out and physically past the point of exhaustion with the day to day stuff we are doing right now. Three kids, testing for Faith, doctors appointments, the support needed for my career, and so on. I know this is the story of every parent out there. I just hate that it feels like I am letting her down when I know it is something that will help her. I am going to keep this post short so I can send out a letter to the stables/arena to get us permission to put on the speed show to raise money for Faith. Have a great week everyone. Kris

Long week...

It has been a long week. I have been going to bed right after dinner every night. At work we are preparing for a field exercise next week where we will certify on our Howitzer and live fire for the first time with a new crew. Faith has been doing ok. She has been testing at the school. Which in itself has been a challenge to just get her there. At the same time she has been feeling terrible. We also found out her new psychiatrist has up and moved to another state with not even a word of warning. Oh how things seem to work in this world. Longer posts to follow. Kris