the wrong person exploded this time....

As the few of you that read this have noticed living with someone with a mood disorder is tough on the entire family. What makes it so terribly hard for me is that she got it from me. My mom suffers from a mood disorder, and to be honest I battle my own issues, which going to combat did not help. A dad is suppose to be strong, perfect, and almost like a superhero to their kids. Well, and with no good excuses from this man, I exploded on the entire house the other night. A wise person told me the reason words are so bad is they can NEVER be erased from someone's mind. I have to agree. As much as I try to handle myself I really do have anger issue problems. Well the volcano erupted and I hurt Renae and Faith with some bad words and scary voices. I had to get it out. Sometimes I try to get away but our house is so little you cannot go anywhere inside it without out hearing what is going on. Especially when Faith is having one of her episodes. Everyone goes on the next day like it didn't happen except for Renae of course. Things are not the same after this happens. The hardest part of being a dad and not staying home all day is I do not get to be "the one" for Faith. When she hurts or doesn't feel right she wants her mom, not her dad. Her mom says it is because of the way I explode. It may have something to do with it, even though she does sometimes too, but I know it is because I leave for a year and most of the time am not here. Not only do I hurt because she gets it from me, but as much as all you moms out there think we have it made because the kids do not yell for us or want us when they are hurt, it hurts worse when your child runs past you to get to their mother. I cannot get back the time I am away from them, it is who I am and what I do, but I wish I could switch a button and just give Renae a break. I wish I could set aside my issues I am battling and be a better, more calm, person for the family. I just cannot do it. My job in the Army is in combat arms, it is a part of the military most people do not get to see. I just sometimes have a hard time coming home and shutting off the soldier and putting him away in the closet. Kids with mood disorders are very special. No one understands what they go through, nor will they ever. No one REALLY understands what the family members and especially the primary caretaker goes through. I was talking to our oldest daughter Tess one night when she was really upset at Faith. I said, "you have to be able to take your jab at her and then walk away, your arguments will always end in her exploding into a meltdown if she gets pushed past a certain point, which you like to consistently do". Tess said it is not fair and I agreed with her. It is what it is and it will never change. We just have to be able to help each other out and give each other breaks. That is pretty much impossible for Renae right now. I get to go to work, the girls to school, but she is with Faith 24/7 until we can get her into school again. The girls know I do the best I can, so does Renae, it just takes a long time for her to get over harsh words and actions. It is a good lesson for the kids, you cannot just say or do something and then shout out "I'm sorry". I mean you can, however there will be ripple effects from that rock they just threw into the water for some time following the incident. Kids are great, they bounce back as if something never happened. Moms on the other hand are not. I am again rocking in the ripples caused by a huge rock I threw into the Forchione lake two nights ago. Why does life not give us a "rewind" button? Instead of hindsight, why can't we have forward sight, to help us avoid the stupid things we do? Just don't laugh at me if you see me walking around with a life jacket on and the nearest lake or river is miles away. I am merely just trying to stay afloat because of all the huge swells I create on a daily basis. I am sorry ladies. Kris